in the spirit of Valentine's Day- a short poem
When you yawn
I see capillaries
They bother me
Because I do not
Like blood it
Stains and doesn’t
Wash out ever.
When you yawn
You close your
Eyes and the
Wrinkles are more
Defined I do not
Like it because
It means we are
Getting old.
When you yawn
I think your lungs
Are tired and I
Cannot help but
Think about what
Would happen
If we all ran out
Of air someday.
When I am weary
I am overwhelmed
By sadness because
It means I am one
Day closer to life
Without you.
But then one
Day you were
Jogging up to me
And I saw your
Heart beating
Beneath your breast.
Oh life grant me
Reprive from sadness
Oh love gather me
Up and banish the
Fears. After all
You are mine.
This is why
I can smile.
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2 comments:
Sorry its taken forever for a comment but I pretty much dig this poem. The narrator has a pretty unique perspective. I do have two suggestions/comments. The first has to do with the structure. I wonder why you choose such short lines? It seems sort of choppy and I think it hurts the rhythm. Second, throughout most of it you did a really good job of making sure that it wasn't too sentimental but in the last few lines it starts to get a little sappy and it feels sort of disconnected from the begining. Sort of like you were afraid the reader wouldn't get your point so you had to be really blatant but I think the poem works very well without that.
Though provoking...
But I do agree with Lindsey. The lines are choppy. I'd suggest writing the whole thing out without pushing "enger." Then read through the words and, without looking, hit "enter" when you feel yourself pause. It should flow better and the lines will be more disjointed, complimenting your poem nicely.
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