This is a short story that i started a couple months ago. It's supposed to be an espionage story, although this part is not very exciting. It's just setting up the main character.
Carson McKenna walked out the door. He set down his briefcase and turned back towards the door. He shut the door and checked the lock. He then picked up the briefcase and walked down the steps towards the sidewalk. He quickly checked his watch. Eight o’clock. He had enough time to stop at the coffee shop for a cappuccino before heading to work.
Carson stood just under six feet tall. His short black hair glistened with hair gel. Even though he was only twenty-five, he already had several small patches of gray hair. He was proud of his gray hair. He liked to show it off to people. His little patches of “wisdom”. His eyes were as green as emeralds. People who looked into his eyes could see intelligence and determination. Carson’s face was smooth, and the faint scent of aftershave could be detected. He was dressed in black slacks and a white shirt. A simple black tie dangled from around his neck. He walked to his car and pushed the button on his key ring. The car chirped and the doors unlocked. Carson opened the door and slid behind the steering wheel. He drove a black Hyundai Accent. He put the car in gear and pulled out of his parking spot. He drove towards the road. As he drove, he turned on the radio. He tuned in the morning news. He listened to a report about action in Iraq. He shook his head as the reporter talked about the growing American casualties. The reporter then began talking about the Secretary of State’s visit to Saudi Arabia. Carson touched the radio dial, changing the station to a soft jazz music station. He smiled as the music began to play.
It took him five minutes to get to the coffee shop. Once at the coffee shop, he got out and walked into the building. There were three people in the shop plus the person behind the counter. Two of the people, a man and a woman, were sitting at a table sipping coffee and talking. The third person, a man in a suit, stood at the counter waiting for his coffee. Carson stood behind the man, waiting. The man took his coffee and walked away. Carson stepped forward.
The girl behind the counter smiled, “Morning, Carson, how’re you today.”
Carson flashed the girl a smile, “I’m doing great, Becky. And yourself?”
“It’s been pretty slow this morning,” Becky replied with a sigh, “You want the usual?” Carson nodded and pulled a five dollar bill from his wallet. He handed the money to Becky, who rang up the drink and handed back his change. She then turned and started making the cappuccino.
“So, you have any big plans this weekend?” Carson asked.
Becky nodded, “Yeah, my boyfriend and I are heading into D.C. We’re going to go out for dinner, and then to visit my parents. What about you?”
Carson smiled, “That sounds like fun. I’ve got some work that I’ll probably finish this weekend. And hopefully it doesn’t take too long, ‘cause I’ve got a new book that I want to read.”
Becky finished making the cappuccino and handed it to Carson, “Well, good luck with that. Have a good weekend.”
Carson nodded, “Thanks, you too.” He turned and walked outside. He got into his car and pulled onto the road. He turned onto the freeway and headed to work. Forty-five minutes later, he arrived at his work. He pulled up to the guard shack and drew out his picture ID. He rolled down the window and held it out.
The guard approached and took the ID, “Morning, Carson.”
Carson nodded, “Morning, Mike. How is your Friday so far?”
Mike nodded, “Boring as always, but that’s how we like it.”
Carson grinned, “Yes, indeed.”
Mike handed the photo ID back to Carson, “Have a good day, see you at five.” Carson thanked him before rolling up his window and pulling into the compound. He drove to his parking spot and turned off his car. He pulled his briefcase with him as he stepped out of the car. He took the empty coffee cup out and tossed it in the trash. He then approached the main building.
Carson worked in Langley, Virginia at the headquarters for the Central Intelligence Agency. He enjoyed watching people’s reactions when he told them he worked for the CIA. Of course, he worked as an information analyst. He wasn’t a gun slinging field agent. Instead, he sat at a desk and analyzed data. Not very glamorous perhaps, but he enjoyed his work. He entered the main building and passed through security without any problems. He greeted the guards at the desk before passing through the scanners. Having passed security, he headed to his cubicle. As he walked, he greeted his coworkers. Once at his desk, he set down his briefcase and removed several papers from it. He then put the briefcase under his desk. He activated his computer and sat down in his chair. He leaned back as he waited for the computer to boot. The computer booted and the CIA logo popped up. He placed his hands on the keyboard and began his day’s work.
His day passed quickly. He sat in front of his computer as streams of data passed over his screen. He analyzed it, he thought wryly to himself. His job consisted of studying the data streams for any inconsistencies. Usually, his work was pretty boring, but occasionally he saw some interesting data. He then passed that data on to other analysts who were specifically devoted to tracking down the leads. Overall, Carson was happy with his job. It wasn’t the most glamorous or exciting job in the world, but he enjoyed it. He took his lunch at twelve o’clock sharp. He spent exactly thirty minutes to eat his lunch and return to his desk. Carson worked until five o’clock. He then logged off of the system and left his desk. He said goodnight to his coworkers as he passed their cubicles. He passed through security without any difficulties. He said goodnight to the guards behind the desk. He walked to the parking garage and pulled out his keys.
Suddenly, he heard a voice call out to him, “Carson! Hey, Carson, wait up.” Carson turned to see who called his name. He saw Geoff wave at him. Geoff was a thirty year old analyst who had worked with the CIA for seven years. His brown hair was parted in the middle. His eyes were brown. He wore a well-kept mustache which he often stroked when thinking. Geoff worked in the cubicle next to Carson. He had a wife and two kids, a fifteen year old daughter and a thirteen year old son. Geoff wasn’t as organized as Carson, but he was a nice guy, dedicated to his work. He and Carson had developed a friendship over the past six months.
Carson smiled, “Hey, Geoff, what’s up?”
Geoff jogged forward and stopped next to Carson, “Hey, got any plans for the weekend?”
Carson shook his head, “Not really, just some work that I need to get done.”
Geoff smiled, “Well, Lisa asked me to invite you over for dinner on Sunday. Will you come?”
Carson considered for a moment, “That would be nice, thanks. Weekends can be quite boring and lonely.”
Geoff smiled, “Great! How does five sound?”
Carson nodded, “That works for me.”
Geoff grinned, “Alright, we’ll see you on Sunday.” With that, he waved and walked away. Carson waved back and headed towards his car. He pressed the button on his car which unlocked the doors. He slid into the driver’s seat and started the car. He pulled out of his parking spot and drove to the gate.
Mike walked to the window, “Have a good day?”
Carson nodded, “Yeah, pretty quiet today.”
Mike waved him through, “Well, have a good weekend. See you on Monday.”
Carson smiled, “You too. See you later.” With that he pressed his foot on the gas pedal and pulled away.
4 comments:
just so everyone knows, i'm not an utter failure at spelling. "Short Story" should be the title. Not a very good start for my first post. (shakes head and walks away in disgust)
I'm sorry it has taken so long for a comment but here's what I have to say,
You did a pretty good job with your descriptions. I'm definitely interested in reading where this leads to. Some suggestions would be to notice that nearly all of you sentences begin with "He". Maybe you could work on creating some variety in how you word your sentences and possibly help your readers to feel more of what it happening. I could see it and hear it but I couldn't feel it. Also, some of the dialogue seemed a little...well, I guess how I feel is that so far everyone/everything in the story feels super perfect. It might be nice if you made it a bit more gritty. If a few of these characters were a little rougher. Those are some things to think about. Keep writing. I definitely want to know what happens with Carson.
Your sentences are a bit clunky - all the same length, all the same rhythm. Try letting it flow more, joining some of those sentences together. Also, you might want to avoid having so much exact description of what he's doing. It kind of feels like this: "He pulled into the parking spot. He turned off the car. He unbuckled his seatbelt. He took the keys out of the ignition. He opened the door. He got out of the car..." etc. If there's a reason for someone to do something specific - like it shows something about the character, then that's good. But describing every motion might be overkill.
I like Carson. I love that he likes his gray hair, and I think he's going to be an interesting protagonist. Definitely want to see what he does when something shakes up his world that seems so perfect at the moment (other than being lonely on the weekends).
You make me smile, Steve.
I'd like to suggest a different style of writing. You've taken on the "third person" viewpoint, as opposed to the "first person." But there are other avenues to explore, and even one that I feel may be a better outlet for this piece of work.
Try using a "third person limited omniscient" viewpoint. In other words, instead of describing Carson's friend Geoff, tell me what Carson thinks about his friend Geoff.
Visit http://www.writesville.com/writesville/2005/12/defining_point__2.html to see what I mean.
-Sharon's roommate :-D
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