I pity the rain,
unmasked and laid bare,
naked, transparent,
with nothing to wear.
I pity the rain,
compelled to the ground,
helpless for mercy,
its destiny bound.
I pity the rain,
though needless it be.
I pity the rain,
which once pitied me.
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3 comments:
I almost feel as though it needs another verse. Suggestions?
Alisia, this is a simple and lovely poem. It's balanced, and the occasional rhyming gives it a nice touch. It feels calm and sedate, which seems perfect for the reader to picture gently, somberly falling rain. I would agree--the end phrase "which once pitied me" is a nice twist, but it's a little vague. I would maybe add another verse or two describing what that means for you. Otherwise, this is good writing!
Stephanie took what I was going to say. It flows just beautifully, and it's the sort of thing I memorize so that I can recite it to myself when it feels right. But I did almost feel like that last line was there just to rhyme, even though it sounds cool. If it wasn't, and it does mean something, awesome. And another verse might work, but it has to fit and flow or it'll mess up the poem. And if it was there just to rhyme and sound cool, I'd consider a different ending.
I look forward to reading more of your poems!
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